A Family of Value is a practical, hands-on book by John Rosemond on how to raise respectful, resourceful, and responsible children. John Rosemond is a child psychologist who believes that most of the child psychology of the past several decades has been counter-productive, and that old-fashioned methods in raising children are generally preferable to modern approaches.
That doesn't mean beating your children or sending them off to the orphanage or whatever Dickensian images "old-fashioned child-rearing" might bring to mind. Rather, he points out that until the 1960s, grandparents passed down to new parents a set of time-worn adages for child-rearing that worked perfectly well. Adages like, "You made your bed, now lie in it;" or, "I'm going to give you enough rope to hang yourself;" or, "A watched pot never boils." These age-old methods had wisdom behind them, but the best part was a parent didn't have to understand why they worked, didn't have to become an expert themselves, they simply had to follow the adages.
The book is divided in three parts. The first part is background on how Rosemond came to believe modern child-rearing methods are ineffective and is something of a rant against a lot of trends in modern society. I felt this was the least interesting part, and as the book was written in 1995, somewhat outdated as well. This part can be skipped without losing much. (By the way, I just checked on Amazon, and the book is still in print.)
The second part is where the good stuff starts. He puts forth how modern parents can revive the old-fashioned methods. I don't want to give away all his secrets, but he makes a lot of good points here. One of his main principles is that a family with a child who has problems that are worrying his parents is putting the worry in the wrong place. Many of his recommendations are for taking various problems (not doing homework, talking back, etc.) and putting the worry on the child. By making it the child's problem rather than the parents' things tend to get solved a lot more quickly.
Another principle of his I like is that children are resilient, not fragile. He thinks in most cases, if you treat a child as a responsible person (within the limits of his age) rather than a victim he'll be fine. Chores, homework, relations with friends and siblings are all things children could and should be handling for themselves, and parental involvement only causes more problems than it solves.
One thing I have already started doing is assigning more chores. Rosemond stresses that chores involve a child in the family, indeed, they give him a stake in family life by making him responsible for helping the house function. In fact, Rosemond thinks children should have one or more chores to do around the house every day. We already made our kids clean their rooms, help clear the table, and a couple other tasks, but this very week we have started upping their contributions to keeping the house clean.
The third part is a series of specific situations Rosemond has culled from parents he's counseled and letters he's received, and how he recommends dealing with them. As in the second section, we've already found a helpful approach for our daughter, who is a picky eater. He doesn't believe you should force a child to eat something she doesn't want to, but neither should a child be allowed to complain about her food (rude!) nor does the parent need to go to the trouble of making extra dishes for a picky eater.
Rosemond recommends you simply give your picky eater very small portions of all the same food the rest of the family is eating. If she complains, take an hour off her bedtime. If she eats it all, she may have seconds, dessert, or snacks the rest of the family is having. But if she doesn't finish it, set it aside. If she says later she is hungry, bring out the food again and say after she finishes it she may have snacks, dessert, etc. Otherwise, she must not be really hungry. The main thing is not to make a big deal about it. Over time, increase the portion size until the child is eating normally for her age.
Starting tonight, we put this plan into effect. Our daughter didn't eat much, but it did eliminate the complaining. Halfway there!
I heartily recommend this book for parents of children who could be more respectful, responsible, or resourceful, and are looking for a fairly straightforward way of dealing with it, without a lot of psychological theories or terminology.
Showing posts with label child-rearing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label child-rearing. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Friday, January 31, 2014
What I've Been Reading: The Wonder of Girls
The Wonder of Girls, by Michael Gurian, is a companion book to one I read a couple years ago, The Wonder of Boys. The two books attempt to fill a gap in how our society understands the minds and behavior of girls and boys, which Gurian sees as overly informed by psychology and sociology. Not that he discounts those fields, but he feels not enough attention is paid to the roles of biology, hormones, and the natural progression of children through the lifecycle. One interesting feature is that he uses fairy tales and traditional stories to illustrate his points, based on the belief that these stories tell essential, age-old truths about raising children that modern methods overlook.
I could be remembering wrong, but I believe there were more stories in the WoB. The WoG uses two stories--Cinderella, and a fairy tale from aboriginal Australia--but the focus here seems to be more on hormones, and how a lot of natural hormone-influenced behavior in girls is misunderstood. In particular, Gurian thinks we pay too much attention to girls' self-esteem. His point is that teen-agers, and girls especially, naturally have low self-esteem as they make mistakes that are an inevitable part of growing up, and as they are exposed for the first time to the monthly hormonal cycle of a grown woman. Only by learning from their mistakes, and experiencing the the normal ebb and flow of monthly hormonal and emotional cycles over time, can girls gain true self-respect. Efforts to raise self-esteem through empty praise or mindless recognition ceremonies do little to improve a girl's genuine opinion of herself.
He also describes his and his wife's disillusionment with the feminist views they had when they were younger now that they are dealing with their own daughters. He finds that the view of feminists from the sixties to eighties that differences in girls and boys are nearly all socially-created, and that the solution is for women to empower themselves in the workplace and on campus, to be...not wrong, but incomplete. Rather, in his own daughters and the girls in his practice, he sees a biological need to connect with others and nurture that boys don't have to the same extent, but that girls must have to feel emotionally complete. For raising children, he proposes an alternative to feminism he calls womanism, that holds women should have the same opportunities as men in work and education, while acknowledging that many women will find more fulfillment in raising children, caring for those in the community, and maintaining family and friendship bonds than in careerism.
I was surprised at how much practical advice he offers for a book that in some ways takes a fairly high-level view of child-raising. He offers firm guidance on such issues as exposure to television and the media, spanking, offering affection, helping children manage peer relationships, and other topics. A lot of it is more teen-focused than on younger children like my daughter, but I found it helpful.
I also found him highly credible, both because he offers so many examples from his own family counseling practice, but also because he so often takes a well-reasoned, middle-of-the-road approach. The ideas of his on feminism that I mentioned above are a good example--he finds much to recommend feminist approaches to child-rearing, but wants to make them part of a more inclusive method that incorporates knowledge from many fields. The use of age-old stories illustrates and deepens his insights, and also make some fairly dry material more fun to read. I can definitely recommend this book to those parents looking for a general, non-ideological parenting book, though those with children having specific special needs will need to look elsewhere.
I could be remembering wrong, but I believe there were more stories in the WoB. The WoG uses two stories--Cinderella, and a fairy tale from aboriginal Australia--but the focus here seems to be more on hormones, and how a lot of natural hormone-influenced behavior in girls is misunderstood. In particular, Gurian thinks we pay too much attention to girls' self-esteem. His point is that teen-agers, and girls especially, naturally have low self-esteem as they make mistakes that are an inevitable part of growing up, and as they are exposed for the first time to the monthly hormonal cycle of a grown woman. Only by learning from their mistakes, and experiencing the the normal ebb and flow of monthly hormonal and emotional cycles over time, can girls gain true self-respect. Efforts to raise self-esteem through empty praise or mindless recognition ceremonies do little to improve a girl's genuine opinion of herself.
He also describes his and his wife's disillusionment with the feminist views they had when they were younger now that they are dealing with their own daughters. He finds that the view of feminists from the sixties to eighties that differences in girls and boys are nearly all socially-created, and that the solution is for women to empower themselves in the workplace and on campus, to be...not wrong, but incomplete. Rather, in his own daughters and the girls in his practice, he sees a biological need to connect with others and nurture that boys don't have to the same extent, but that girls must have to feel emotionally complete. For raising children, he proposes an alternative to feminism he calls womanism, that holds women should have the same opportunities as men in work and education, while acknowledging that many women will find more fulfillment in raising children, caring for those in the community, and maintaining family and friendship bonds than in careerism.
I was surprised at how much practical advice he offers for a book that in some ways takes a fairly high-level view of child-raising. He offers firm guidance on such issues as exposure to television and the media, spanking, offering affection, helping children manage peer relationships, and other topics. A lot of it is more teen-focused than on younger children like my daughter, but I found it helpful.
I also found him highly credible, both because he offers so many examples from his own family counseling practice, but also because he so often takes a well-reasoned, middle-of-the-road approach. The ideas of his on feminism that I mentioned above are a good example--he finds much to recommend feminist approaches to child-rearing, but wants to make them part of a more inclusive method that incorporates knowledge from many fields. The use of age-old stories illustrates and deepens his insights, and also make some fairly dry material more fun to read. I can definitely recommend this book to those parents looking for a general, non-ideological parenting book, though those with children having specific special needs will need to look elsewhere.
Friday, January 11, 2013
What I'm Reading: Superparenting for ADD
No, not a comic series, although maybe Superparent would be a good character! Rather, Drs. Edward Hallowell and Peter Jensen have written a book encouraging parents to focus on the strengths of an ADD (that is, a hyperactive) child. For those looking for a general guide to ADD and its treatment, this is not the book for you. This is a more specialized book specifically on turning what are generally regarded as the negative traits of ADD into positive forces in your child's life.
Hallowell and Jensen make a good point, that though ADD is often thought to be a deficiency in the brain, it's really more of a personality type. And really, it is sort of ridiculous to think that a trait that affects so many children (8.4% of all kids) is a disease. It's just another way that people are. In times past, it's easy to imagine that hyperactive kids would've had an advantage over others--centuries ago, when much of life was spent outdoors, the energy and diffused attention of the hyperactive personality would have been a real benefit. It's only in today's world, where we expect kids to sit at a desk and listen to a teacher for seven hours a day, that it becomes a negative.
The authors provide some good advice on how to help your kids do their homework, get along in school, and make the most of their childhoods. I don't want to give away all the secrets in this review, but a lot of their recommendations have to do with letting the kids move while they do their work, or have multiple sources of stimuli (ADD kids are natural multi-taskers).
They also present a system for measuring learning/working styles I've never seen before, one developed by a Dr. Kathy Kolbe. It reminds me of the Meyers-Briggs personality inventory, but is a little different. The Kolbe Index has four scales: Fact Finder, Follow-Through, Quick Start, and Implementor; and on each of these scales, an individual can score as resistant, accomodating, or insistent. Again, read the book to find out exactly what these mean, but suffice it to say the Kolbe index is a useful lens for considering how people operate.
And it's with the Kolbe Index that the authors show how ADD can be a strength for your child. ADD kids tend to be high (or insistent) in Quick Start and sometimes in Implementor, and low (or resistant) in Follow-Through and sometimes Fact Finder. This is almost the opposite of the typical teacher, who are Fact-Finding and Follow-Through fiends. It's easy to see where conflict can arise in school! But that doesn't mean your child is destined for a horrible life--high Quick Start and Implementor scores correspond with success in a number of careers. And once you know about your child's strengths, you can start to make changes in his approach to school that may lead to an easier time.
I would definitely recommend this book for any parent with an ADD child. I sometimes wished while reading for a greater density of factual material and a little less rah-rah for how great the ADD child can be. But then I've been known to read biology text books for fun. I expect most readers will appreciate the lighter touch, and find a lot of useful information. For myself, I think the book has made me more admiring of my own child and appreciative of his qualities, for which I owe the authors my thanks.
Hallowell and Jensen make a good point, that though ADD is often thought to be a deficiency in the brain, it's really more of a personality type. And really, it is sort of ridiculous to think that a trait that affects so many children (8.4% of all kids) is a disease. It's just another way that people are. In times past, it's easy to imagine that hyperactive kids would've had an advantage over others--centuries ago, when much of life was spent outdoors, the energy and diffused attention of the hyperactive personality would have been a real benefit. It's only in today's world, where we expect kids to sit at a desk and listen to a teacher for seven hours a day, that it becomes a negative.
The authors provide some good advice on how to help your kids do their homework, get along in school, and make the most of their childhoods. I don't want to give away all the secrets in this review, but a lot of their recommendations have to do with letting the kids move while they do their work, or have multiple sources of stimuli (ADD kids are natural multi-taskers).
They also present a system for measuring learning/working styles I've never seen before, one developed by a Dr. Kathy Kolbe. It reminds me of the Meyers-Briggs personality inventory, but is a little different. The Kolbe Index has four scales: Fact Finder, Follow-Through, Quick Start, and Implementor; and on each of these scales, an individual can score as resistant, accomodating, or insistent. Again, read the book to find out exactly what these mean, but suffice it to say the Kolbe index is a useful lens for considering how people operate.
And it's with the Kolbe Index that the authors show how ADD can be a strength for your child. ADD kids tend to be high (or insistent) in Quick Start and sometimes in Implementor, and low (or resistant) in Follow-Through and sometimes Fact Finder. This is almost the opposite of the typical teacher, who are Fact-Finding and Follow-Through fiends. It's easy to see where conflict can arise in school! But that doesn't mean your child is destined for a horrible life--high Quick Start and Implementor scores correspond with success in a number of careers. And once you know about your child's strengths, you can start to make changes in his approach to school that may lead to an easier time.
I would definitely recommend this book for any parent with an ADD child. I sometimes wished while reading for a greater density of factual material and a little less rah-rah for how great the ADD child can be. But then I've been known to read biology text books for fun. I expect most readers will appreciate the lighter touch, and find a lot of useful information. For myself, I think the book has made me more admiring of my own child and appreciative of his qualities, for which I owe the authors my thanks.
Saturday, December 1, 2012
What I'm Reading: The Child Who Never Grew
Pearl Buck's The Child Who Never Grew is about her daughter, Carol, who suffered from mental retardation--developmental disability, I suppose we'd say today-- and Buck's search for an institution to house her once she reached the age of nine. It is also concerned with her inability at first to reconcile herself to her daughter's condition, and her gradual realization that her daughter's handicap is balanced by gifts of empathy and simply joy.
I was anticipating the slim book to be a memoir, with lots of episodes from their lives and a narrative arc. But it turned out to be more of an extended essay, and includes digressions about what parents in similar situations should look for in their own searches for institutions. Some of the advice is timeless, but much of it feels out-of-date, relevant at the time of the book's publication in 1950 but no longer. Still, her descriptions of certain contemporary (to her, I mean) state-run institutes for the mentally retarded are chilling: places where toilet facilities are unavailable and floors are simply hosed down a couple times a day; hundreds of children sitting endlessly on benches in dark rooms, waiting for something that never comes. I believe decades of reform have closed such large, indifferent institutions in the United States--right?
I should point out that Buck did not actually wish to place Carol outside her home, but after a harrowing incident in revolutionary 1940s China (where Buck lived most of her early life) in which her life was endangered, she realizes her daughter will almost certainly outlive her, and it would be better to find a home for her where she can be settled, than have her taken as a ward of the state after Buck's death and put God knows where. So Buck moved to the U.S. and started a search for a sunny, warm place where Carol could be happy. And the good news is, she did find such a place: the Vineland Training School in New Jersey. (Which still exists today, according to Wikipedia, and seems to be a fairly prestigious research institute for research on the developmentally disabled.)
In the afterward, written by Pearl Buck's daughter and Carol's sister, Janice Walsh, we learn that Carol did outlive her mother, and seemed to be happy to the end of her days. Not long before Pearl Buck's death in 1973, scientists discovered the cause of her disability--phenylketonuria (PKU), caused by an inability to process certain proteins. The disease is treatable today by following a certain strict diet in infancy and early childhood. It is impossible not to feel anguish for the misery caused from the lack of that knowledge in the lives of Pearl Buck and her family. Yet, perversely, her daughter's condition may have been a blessing for society at large: the book suggests a great part of Buck's impetus for her remarkable literary output was the need to pay for her daughter's care.
I was anticipating the slim book to be a memoir, with lots of episodes from their lives and a narrative arc. But it turned out to be more of an extended essay, and includes digressions about what parents in similar situations should look for in their own searches for institutions. Some of the advice is timeless, but much of it feels out-of-date, relevant at the time of the book's publication in 1950 but no longer. Still, her descriptions of certain contemporary (to her, I mean) state-run institutes for the mentally retarded are chilling: places where toilet facilities are unavailable and floors are simply hosed down a couple times a day; hundreds of children sitting endlessly on benches in dark rooms, waiting for something that never comes. I believe decades of reform have closed such large, indifferent institutions in the United States--right?
I should point out that Buck did not actually wish to place Carol outside her home, but after a harrowing incident in revolutionary 1940s China (where Buck lived most of her early life) in which her life was endangered, she realizes her daughter will almost certainly outlive her, and it would be better to find a home for her where she can be settled, than have her taken as a ward of the state after Buck's death and put God knows where. So Buck moved to the U.S. and started a search for a sunny, warm place where Carol could be happy. And the good news is, she did find such a place: the Vineland Training School in New Jersey. (Which still exists today, according to Wikipedia, and seems to be a fairly prestigious research institute for research on the developmentally disabled.)
In the afterward, written by Pearl Buck's daughter and Carol's sister, Janice Walsh, we learn that Carol did outlive her mother, and seemed to be happy to the end of her days. Not long before Pearl Buck's death in 1973, scientists discovered the cause of her disability--phenylketonuria (PKU), caused by an inability to process certain proteins. The disease is treatable today by following a certain strict diet in infancy and early childhood. It is impossible not to feel anguish for the misery caused from the lack of that knowledge in the lives of Pearl Buck and her family. Yet, perversely, her daughter's condition may have been a blessing for society at large: the book suggests a great part of Buck's impetus for her remarkable literary output was the need to pay for her daughter's care.
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