Scary Movies: House of Wax

As usual in October, I'm running a little behind on my horror movie reviews! Okay, we've seen a good one and a bad one in the past couple weeks. Let's start with the bad one!

The House of Wax stars Vincent Price as Dr. Henry Jarrod, a sculptor who creates wax figures for a wax museum in New York. Dr. Jarrod is a real artist and creates sensitive representations of historical figures such as his masterpiece, Marie Antoinette. But his partner is a hard-nosed businessman, and wants Dr. Jarrod to sculpt figures from crime scenes, like the public wants. When Dr. Jarrod refuses, his partner burns down the museum for the insurance money. Dr. Jarrod seems to die in the fire as well.

A year later, a new wax museum opens up across town. The owner has badly burned hands and is confined to a wheelchair, but he is a genius at designing wax figures with the help of his assistant, Igor (played by Charles Bronson!). Around the same time the museum opens, Dr. Jarrod's former partner disappears, while a wax figure that looks a lot like him appears in the new museum. Soon after, the partner's girlfriend also disappears, while a Joan of Arc wax figure who could be her double becomes the museum's new hit exhibit. Can you guess the secret of these new wax figures, or who the proprietor of the new museum really is?

I bet you can guess from the very first minute. This was not a subtle movie, and it has a number of weaknesses. First, apparently at it's original showing in 1953, the movie was displayed in 3-D, and there are at least two long scenes in the movie that have little to do with the plot but must have been meant to demonstrate the 3-D technology. One of these, of an annoying man with a grating schtick and playing with a paddleball to advertise the opening of the museum, goes on for at least five minutes and is really unbearable. But these scenes are just indicative--practically every element of the movie screams amateurishness. Not like a low-budget B movie where the people involved have passion but no idea what they were doing--this was Warner Bros. Production values are perfectly adequate, it's just a film where nobody cared or gave much effort.

The main exception is Vincent Price, whose performance as both the sensitive Dr. Jarrod, and later the deformed and revenge-crazed proprietor of the new wax museum, is really superb. In fact, Vincent Price is the only thing that makes this movie watchable. At the time, this movie established his reputation as a master of horror.

There are also a couple effective scenes--the shots of the wax figures melting in the fire, with Dr. Jarrod trying in vain to put out the flames destroying his beloved Marie Antoinette, are really done well. Later on, a scene of the deformed man chasing a woman through the streets of New York is pretty spooky, so long as you don't stop to wonder why multiple streets in SoHo have absolutely no pedestrians or trafffic. (I've been in NYC in the middle of the night--there are people out even at 3AM!)

In the end, though, I can't really recommend this movie, unless you have a special love for Vincent Price. Even then, you'd be far better off watching, say, one of the Edgar Allen Poe movies he did with director Roger Corman, or practically any of the dozens of other horror movies he starred in.


The House of Wax (1953)

Story/Plot/Characters--Dull script with merely functional dialogue. Insipid characters. Story was a potentially interesting mystery, but all the mysterious aspects were fumbled. Inclusion of pointless, time-wasting scenes. Vincent Price's acting is the only saving grace here. (1 point)
Special Effects-- Great make-up job on Vincent Price after the fire, and the fire in the wax museum was well done. (1 point)
Scariness--Not scary. My nine-year-old daughter watched this with no problems. (0 points)
Atmosphere/Freakiness--Some nice spooky atmosphere in the wax museum at night, and the New York night scenes. Some surprisingly freaky bondage-type stuff in the finale, as the endangered young lady is about to have boiling wax poured over her writhing handcuffed body. (1 point)
Total=3 points (Avoid)

______________________________________________________________________________
Here's the master list of horror movies I've rated so far. (Click the title for a link to a review of the movie.)

Excellent
Alien (1979)=10 points
Dawn of the Dead (1978)=9.5 points
Bride of Frankenstein (1935)=8.5 points
A Quiet Place (2018)=8.5 points
Frankenstein (1931)=8 points
King Kong (1933)=8 points
Village of the Damned (1960)=8 points
Night of the Living Dead (1968)=7.5 points
Carrie (1976)=7.5 points
Jaws (1975)=7 points
Pretty Good
Witch: A New England Folktale (2015)=6.5 points
Aliens (1986)=6.5 points
The Birds (1963)=6.5 points
Carnival of Souls (1962)=6.5 points
Night Creatures (1962)=6.5 points
Phantom of the Opera (1962)=6.5 points
The Thing (1982)=6 points
Tales of Terror (1962)=6 points
Okay
The Raven (1963)=5.5 points
The House on Haunted Hill (1959)=5 points
Gremlins (1984)=5 points
Lady Frankenstein (1971)=4.5 points
Man-Thing (2005)=4 points
Creature From the Black Lagoon (1954)=3.5 points
Avoid
Alien 3 (1992)=3 points
The House of Wax (1953)=3 points
The Wolf Man (1941)=3 points
The Last Man on Earth (1964)=2 points

What I'm Reading: A Single Happened Thing

Ack, I'm falling behind! Before I rate some more scary movies, I want to briefly review A Single Happened Thing, by Daniel Paisner. This book follows New York City book publicist David Felb, who has a boring, normal, and kind of disappointing life until one evening at a meaningless late-season Phillies game in Philadelphia. The game happens to have the longest single at bat ever recorded--that's the Single Happened Thing of the title--and somehow that expansion of time, as it were, allows a long-dead player from baseball's distant past to slip through into our time.

The player is Fred "Sure Shot" Dunlap (a real person, by the way), who had one of the greatest seasons in baseball history for the short-lived Union Association League in 1884, was forgotten not long after, and died penniless in 1900. For some reason he takes a liking to David, or at least thinks David can help him, and after a strange encounter at the baseball game, tracks David down to his hotel the next morning, and then meets him again as David takes the train home to New York.

Dunlap disappears after that, but in David's gushing to his wife and family about the bizarre encounter, his wife decides he's delusional and insists he starts seeing a psychiatrist. In fact, Dunlap becomes a wedge in their marriage, as David refuses to back down from the reality of his experience, even as his wife is certain that he could not possibly have met a...what? ghost? Long-dead person resurrected?

However, David's teenage daughter Iona takes his side after a strange man shows up at her softball practice one day and teaches her an unusual side arm throw that makes her the star pitcher of her school league. Who else could the strange man have been but "Sure Shot" Dunlap?

While the baseball forms a framework for the novel, it's in the subtle divisions and alliances of a troubled family that Paisner's novel really resides. It's really beautifully written and pretty fun to read--maybe more so for a baseball fan, but I think any thinking adult would appreciate the careful descriptions of a slowly fraying marriage and the ups and downs of parent-child relationships in light of that. A Single Happened Thing is highly recommended.

Scary Movies: The Raven

It's October, and time for the annual Bruner horror movie festival! Our first movie this year is The Raven, the third Roger Corman-directed Edgar Allan Poe movie we've watched (last year I reviewed Tales of Terror and somehow neglected to review The Pit and the Pendulum). It will also probably be the last for a while, because we've now exhausted the Poe movies on our DVD collection.

The Raven is a horror-comedy, starring Vincent Price, Peter Lorre, Boris Karloff (!), and a very young Jack Nicholson (!!). The main character is Dr. Erasmus Craven, a magician of some power who lives a quiet life of drinking warm milk before bed and worrying over his teenage daughter, Estelle. He also mourns his late wife (Estelle's stepmother), Lenore. One evening, a raven taps on the window to his study, and when Dr. Craven lets it in, is surprised to find the raven speaking to him.

The raven is actually Dr. Bedlow, who was transformed into the raven in a wizard's duel with the evil Dr. Scarabus, and has come to Craven for help because they met at a wizard's convention some years back. The restored Dr. Bedlow sees a picture of the late Lenore and tells Dr. Craven he saw her at Scarabus's house that very evening. Bedlow and Craven decide to pay Scarabus a visit--Bedlow wanting revenge for losing the duel, and Craven to find out if Scarabus has somehow imprisoned the spirit of his beloved Lenore. What they find at Scarabus's castle will surprise them both, and viewer as well.

This movie was fun from start to finish, well-paced and never flagging in interest. I can't say the humor was hilarious or the scares were very frightening, but the various wizards' duels, unexpected magical transformations, and double crosses kept my interest and my childrens' as well. We'll rate this at the high end of Okay on the rating scale.

The Raven (1963)

Story/Plot/Characters--Fine acting and a great script with extra points for originality. Characters were somewhat stereotyped, but overall well-done. (3 points)
Special Effects-- Dated, although they must have been something in 1963. (1 point)
Scariness--Well, zero. Not scary at all. As a horror-comedy, maybe I should be rating this on humor, then. A nice jovial atmosphere, but specific jokes were pretty lame--this was no Young Frankenstein. (.5 points)
Atmosphere/Freakiness--Scarabus's castle was pretty cool, with its elaborate, floating fire braziers. (1 point)
Total=5.5 points (Okay)

______________________________________________________________________________
Here's the master list of horror movies I've rated so far. (Click the title for a link to a review of the movie.)

Excellent
Alien (1979)=10 points
Day of the Dead (1978)=9.5 points
Bride of Frankenstein (1935)=8.5 points
A Quiet Place (2018)=8.5 points
Frankenstein (1931)=8 points
King Kong (1933)=8 points
Village of the Damned (1960)=8 points
Night of the Living Dead (1968)=7.5 points
Carrie (1976)=7.5 points
Jaws (1975)=7 points
Pretty Good
Witch: A New England Folktale (2015)=6.5 points
Aliens (1986)=6.5 points
The Birds (1963)=6.5 points
Carnival of Souls (1962)=6.5 points
Night Creatures (1962)=6.5 points
Phantom of the Opera (1962)=6.5 points
The Thing (1982)=6 points
Tales of Terror (1962)=6 points
Okay
The Raven (1963)=5.5 points
The House on Haunted Hill (1959)=5 points
Gremlins (1984)=5 points
Lady Frankenstein (1971)=4.5 points
Man-Thing (2005)=4 points
Creature From the Black Lagoon (1954)=3.5 points
Avoid
Alien 3 (1992)=3 points
The Wolf Man (1941)=3 points
The Last Man on Earth (1964)=2 points

What I'm Reading: The Mote in God's Eye

Now this is a great science fiction novel, and simultaneously an illustration of the limits of genre fiction. The Mote in God's Eye, by Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle, succeeds at every level as an SF story. The primary character in a very large cast is Captain Blaine of the Imperial Space Navy, who leads an expedition to the Mote, a remote corner of the galaxy where humans, whose empire spans hundreds of worlds, have detected the first intelligence alien species they've ever encountered.

Upon arrival in the system, the humans encounter the Moties, as they come to be known. The Moties are shorter than humans and furry, but essentially human-like, with some notable biological differences--a large, strong left arm and two slender but dextrous right arms, for example. The Moties have tens of thousands of years of history and incredibly advanced technology, but have never expanded beyond their home planet and moons due to a weird circumstance. In this book, faster-than-light space travel is only possible through wormholes that have a single destination--and the only wormhole in the Motie's system leads straight to the heart of a supernova. Every attempt they've made to explore deep space has ended in disaster.

The Moties are friendly enough, eager to learn about humans, and seemingly open about themselves. Theirs is a peaceful society, although rather caste-bound. Different types of Moties have different jobs--engineers, doctors, farmers--not just by avocation or ability, but because they're actually genetically-engineered for the role. Farmers have thick fingers for dealing with soil but aren't too bright, porters are huge and muscle-bound but positively stupid, doctors have long, delicate fingers for surgery, messengers have well-developed legs for running and an ability to memorize long messages. The ones of most concern to humans are the mediators, who are intelligent and good with languages (they pick up English in a matter of days) but utterly unable to make decisions on their own. It is the mediators, whose job is to settle disputes between conflicting parties, who are responsible for the centuries of peace that have passed on their planet, and also who befriend the human visitors.

Yet the mediators have a reticence to discuss certain topics, and although their world has avoided war for centuries, there are strange holes when they discuss their history. Not that they're covering anything up--but that they don't know. Carefully recorded histories going back millenia, but with gaps they can't explain. It turns out the Moties have a secret--one that will affect their relationship with the human race in an unforeseen way.

Like I said, this is a great science fiction novel, a realistic account of what an encounter between humanity and an intelligent alien species might be like. It's a long book (nearly 600 pages) but fascinating on almost every page, with tons of great details about the Moties, the human ships, space travel, and the nature of the human empire hundreds of years in the future. I heartily recommend it for SF lovers.

But not for anybody else. Because as great as it is as science fiction, it's highly mediocre by the standards of mainstream literature. The writing is professional and effective, but rarely more than functional. Dialogue too is functional, and though a couple characters have stereotypical accents (Scottish, Russian), everybody pretty much speaks the same way. No characters are fully-rounded people, and beyond Captain Blaine and one or two others, most are strictly two-dimensional. A romance between Captain Blaine and a female anthropologist on his ship, Sandra Fowler, is almost comically bad.

So this is no Ray Bradbury or Robert Heinlein, transcending the genre of SF with gorgeous writing and brilliant characters. It's rare to encounter a book that so fully exemplifies the merits of its genre, but without fulfilling any literary aspirations beyond the genre conventions, or even trying to.

Ranking: Man of Steel

Man of Steel came out in 2013, and if I remember, it was critically panned at the time. I watched it recently with my son, and we enjoyed it pretty well! Not the greatest comic movie I've ever seen but perfectly entertaining. I rank this one at the high end of Okay.

It retells the origin of Superman, with the villain being General Zod and his fellow Kryptonian criminals from the Phantom Zone. It worked fine on both scores. Where I think a lot of critics disliked the movie is because it did not have Christopher Reeve, the Superman from the 1970s-80s movies, who brought a palpable warmth and sense of goodness and dignity to the role. Superman in this movie (and in the DC shared-universe movies since) is played by Henry Cavill, a buff man who certainly looks the part of Superman, but comes across as rather bland. Nothing wrong with him, but he doesn't seem to bring much personality to the role. Nevertheless, the movie is fine to watch if you want to pass a couple pleasant hours.

I have previously ranked Avengers: Infinity War, the Avengers movies, the Batman movies, Black Panther, Captain America: Civil War, Dr. Strange, Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Logan, the Man-Thing, the non-Marvel and non-DC comic movies, the other DC movies, the Spider-Man movies, the summer 2015 comic movies, the Superman movies, Thor: Ragnarok, Wonder Woman, and the X-Men movies.


As ever, my ranking system is
Green=excellent  Blue=pretty good  Black=Okay  Red=avoid

_______________________________________________________________________________

Here's the master list of all comics movies I've rated so far, in order from best to worst:

Crumb
American Splendor
Iron Man
Heavy Metal (1981)
Spider-Man 2 (2004)
Avengers
Superman (1978)
Captain America
Wonder Woman (2017)
Batman Begins (2005)
Captain America: Civil War
Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier
Spider-Man (2002)
X-Men 2: X-Men United
X-Men: Days of Future Past
Superman II
Batman (1989)
Ant-Man
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
Dr. Strange
The Dark Knight (2008)
Logan (2017)
Iron Man 3
The Wolverine (2013)
Guardians of the Galaxy 2
Sin City (2005)
X-Men: First Class
X-Men (2000)
Black Panther
Man of Steel (2013)
Avengers: Infinity War
Avengers 2: Age of Ultron
Swamp Thing (1982)
Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Iron Man 2
Watchmen (2009)
Batman Forever (1995)
Superman Returns (2006)
Thor 2: The Dark World
Incredible Hulk (2008)
Mystery Men (1999)
Dark Knight Rises (2012)
Man-Thing (2005)
Superman III
Supergirl (1984)
Thor
X-Men 3: Last Stand
Hulk (2003)
Fritz the Cat (1972)
Batman and Robin (1997)
Batman Returns (1992)
Superman IV

Amazing Spider-Man (2012) (Haven't seen)
Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) (Haven't seen)
Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017) (Haven't seen)
Batman (1966) (Haven't seen)
Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice (Haven't seen)
Catwoman (Haven't seen)
Constantine (Haven't seen)
Deadpool (Haven't seen)
Green Lantern (Haven't seen)
Hellboy (Haven't seen)
Judge Dredd (Haven't seen)
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (2014) (Haven't seen)
V for Vendetta (Haven't seen)
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Haven't seen)

Ranking: Avengers: Infinity War

Avengers: The Infinity War is what the Marvel movies have been building up to for many years. Hints about the villain, Thanos, have been seeded in movies going back at least to the first Avengers movie in 2012, and maybe farther (?).

Thanos is a titan, a sort of celestial being whose daughters, the good Gamora and the evil Nebula, have played big parts in the Guardians of the Galaxy movies. He's trying to collect the six Infinity Stones, jewels of immense power that embody certain fundamental aspects of the universe--power, reality, time, space, mind, and soul. Once he finds them all and inserts them in his glove, the Infinity Gauntlet, he'll have complete control over every aspect of the universe. His plan once he's achieved this? To kill half of all things, thus eliminating poverty, misery, and famine, for the remaining living beings will have plenty of resources. After that, he'll simply retire to a nice planet and watch the sun rise in the mornings.

We've seen many of the infinity stones in Marvel movies before--the Mind stone, for instance, is embedded in the Vision and gives him life. The Time stone is part of Dr. Strange's Eye of Agamotto, a magical artifact. And so forth. Much of the movie concerns the Avengers and their attempt to keep Thanos from acquiring the stones.

And to stop him, they need help--a lot of help! In fact, nearly every hero introduced in the Marvel Cinematic Universe makes an appearance, including the Guardians of the Galaxy, Dr. Strange, Spider-Man, Black Panther, and many others. And did all these heroes succeed in stopping Thanos? Um, no, actually. But they'll get another chance next summer in Avengers: Infinity War, Part Two.

This was a fun movie, and I admire the way it managed to give nearly every Marvel character something meaningful to do. After a while, though, it was all too much. I mean, it didn't feel quite as disjointed as one might think, considering all the characters--but it was still pretty disjointed. I think we'll rank this one as only Okay.

I have previously ranked the Batman movies, the Superman movies, the other DC movies, the Avengers movies, the X-Men movies, the summer 2015 comic movies, the Spider-Man movies, the non-Marvel and non-DC comic movies, Black Panther, Captain America: Civil War, Dr. Strange, Guardians of the Galaxy 2, Logan, the Man-Thing, Thor: Ragnarok, and Wonder Woman.


As ever, my ranking system is
Green=excellent  Blue=pretty good  Black=Okay  Red=avoid

_______________________________________________________________________________

Here's the master list of all comics movies I've rated so far, in order from best to worst:

Crumb
American Splendor
Iron Man
Heavy Metal (1981)
Spider-Man 2 (2004)
Avengers
Superman (1978)
Captain America
Wonder Woman (2017)
Batman Begins (2005)
Captain America: Civil War
Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier
Spider-Man (2002)
X-Men 2: X-Men United
X-Men: Days of Future Past
Superman II
Batman (1989)
Ant-Man
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
Dr. Strange
The Dark Knight (2008)
Logan (2017)
Iron Man 3
The Wolverine (2013)
Guardians of the Galaxy 2
Sin City (2005)
X-Men: First Class
X-Men (2000)
Black Panther
Avengers: Infinity War
Avengers 2: Age of Ultron
Swamp Thing (1982)
Spider-Man 3 (2007)
Iron Man 2
Watchmen (2009)
Batman Forever (1995)
Superman Returns (2006)
Thor 2: The Dark World
Incredible Hulk (2008)
Mystery Men (1999)
Dark Knight Rises (2012)
Man-Thing (2005)
Superman III
Supergirl (1984)
Thor
X-Men 3: Last Stand
Hulk (2003)
Fritz the Cat (1972)
Batman and Robin (1997)
Batman Returns (1992)
Superman IV

Amazing Spider-Man (2012) (Haven't seen)
Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) (Haven't seen)
Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017) (Haven't seen)
Batman (1966) (Haven't seen)
Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice (Haven't seen)
Catwoman (Haven't seen)
Constantine (Haven't seen)
Deadpool (Haven't seen)
Green Lantern (Haven't seen)
Hellboy (Haven't seen)
Judge Dredd (Haven't seen)
Man of Steel (Haven't seen)
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (2014) (Haven't seen)
V for Vendetta (Haven't seen)
X-Men Origins: Wolverine (Haven't seen)

What I'm Reading: Full of Beans

Beans lives in Key West, Florida, during the Depression, where every kid and adult seems to have a nickname. In fact, that's about all they have, because the Depression has hit Key West hard, and there are no jobs or money available. The cigar-rolling factories have laid off most of their workers, including Beans's dad, who's gone up north in search of work. So when local rum runner Johnny Cakes offers 11-year-old Beans a dollar to help deliver illicit liquor around the neighborhood, Beans takes him up on it. After all, he's not really hurting anybody, is he?

But then Johnny Cakes offers Beans some real money, if he's willing to do something Beans thinks is really wrong. And now Beans has a decision to make, because his dad hasn't found a job up north yet, and there's a new baby in the house, and his family could really use some cash.

That's the premise behind Jennifer Holm's Full of Beans, a great book with lots of local color. Holm definitely did her research, because there are tons of fascinating details about life in Key West in the 1930s--everything from the leper colony living on the island to the Shirley Temple movies playing at the local cinema, and of course, the visiting New Deal representatives from Washington, who are trying to clean Key West up and make it into a tourist destination despite the impoverishment (and highly skeptical attitudes) of the local population.

I hope I didn't make Beans's situation sound too grim, because this book is pretty hilarious throughout. From his gang, the Keepsies (so-called because they're the best marble players in Key West, and they play for keeps), to the crazy people who live in the neighborhood, to the addled ways the New Deal representatives try to improve the community, there are plenty of funny characters and situations. It's aimed at late elementary school students and perhaps middle schoolers, but I think this book has enough humor and historical detail to interest all kinds of readers.